The following story should not be interpreted as endorsing the usage of controlled substances or ventriloquism. It is clear that only dummies need either. So we were driving along. I thought everything was going pretty well, but we must have been getting paranoid. All of a sudden they pulled all the traffic off the freeway and stopped us all. There was a long line of cars and trucks. We thought it was cops, so we were hiding beer bottles and eating everything so they couldn't arrest us for possession. Like I said, there was sort of a long line. It turned out it was the border patrol looking for Mexicans. They must have found some, cuz we were stuck there forever. By the time we got up to the officers, life was definitely stranger than before. My head was perfectly clear, so I had no trouble talking to the officer. But he couldn't hear me because the sound of my voice was coming out of my navel! Finally I undid one of the buttons on my shirt and kind of pulled it apart so the sound could get out. The officer thought it was strange that my voice was coming out my navel - I mean, I did, too. My buddy told him I had been in Desert Storm and hadn't been the same since. I disagreed. I said I had been exactly the same every day since I got back, and they had been the happiest three months of my life. Fortunately the officer accepted that explanation and let us go. I had disagreed just on principle: I hadn't been in Desert Storm, of course. All of a sudden, the mountains got a lot bigger! That was surprising because we had just been talking about how these were pretty useless. We all agreed that mountains without snow on top might as well just go home. So we were thinking the mountains were pretty useless until the highway cut through the side of one, and there was a sign saying "Now entering Mountain Time." We did agree that it would be silly to enter Mountain Time with no mountains around, so we had a better attitude toward them after that. Then we saw a mountain with Jerry Seinfeld's face on the side of it. "Wow" is about the only appropriate response. I mean, here is a whole new use for mountains. I said maybe I'd like to have my face carved on a mountain. But Jerry said "No! Don't do it! This is terrible!" "Oh. You're right. I wasn't thinking," I said. "Right. Now I can never change my hair cut!" Jerry said. "Rhinoplasty is definitely out," I replied. "Not that I want to change my nose. But look at you! What if you wanted to shave your beard? Think how much work that would be!" Jerry had a good point. I said, "It would be even worse if you grew a beard. You'd have to just go get a new mountain!" "I know! And what would I do with the old one? Just put a sign there that says 'See next mountain'? I could wind up with a split personality!" It's always good to get Jerry's perspective before making major decisions like putting your face on a mountain. Pretty soon we were in for a treat, cuz at sunset the mountains turned purple, just like the song. ('Purple mountain majesty,' you know.) It really was spectacular. But we weren't in no stinkin' 'fruited plain'. The only explanation we could come up with was that the writer had meant something like a 'plain dessert' which might have been a 'fruit compote'. I said "Give me your Purple Mountain matches, Dee," and laughed so hard I nearly drove off the rode. Nobody much else thought it was funny. But that was OK because right then a truck passed us. It had passed us before, but this time there was a big white rabbit driving. When it passed us before the rabbit was just painted on the door.

© 1995 by John Robert Boynton

Last update: October 22, 1995.