Texas JokesWhy did the chicken cross the road? (To prove to the armadillo it could be done.) When LBJ died and went to heaven (that's how you know this is a joke) he refused to go through the pearly gates until the boss came out and answered a question.... The boss comes out. LBJ says: "I want to know one thing, and I want to know it right now. Why wasn't Jesus Christ born a Texan? The world would have been a much better place if Jesus Christ had been a Texan. God said (try this with a yiddish accent): "Lyndon, Lyndon, Lyndon. What can I tell you? Texas was our first choice. But we couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!" The Houston Oilers. Redneck foreplay: "Get in the truck, bitch!" You're in a room with Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and a rattlesnake. The good news is that you have your six-shooter at your side. The bad news is, you only have two shots left. (Busy day.) What do you do? ==> Shoot the lawyer twice. Some things you can't be too sure of. You know how if you play heavy metal music backwards you get Satanic messages? You know what you get if you play country western music backwards? You get your wife back. You get your truck back. You get your dog back....(If you play pop "Christian" music backwards you get Amway messages.) "Ross Perot: part mongoose, part Feringy." Ross Perot's wife was upset at his running for President. If he had won, she would have had to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood. Barbara Bush: after the Gulf War known as the "Mother of all Bushes". George Bush: You gotta say one thing for him: he did make the world safe for feudalism. (He gave the genocidal fascists a good run, too.) Oklahoma: a giant mobile home park to attract tornadoes away from the rest of the country. How do you know if you're a redneck? If your wife's hair-do was ever destroyed by a ceiling fan. If you notice your family tree doesn't branch.... Other JokesWriting is 10% talent, 90% stamina, and 5% the inability to do math. Bartender says to Descartes: "It's last call, do you want another." Rennie says: "I think not" and disappears. What did the Zen master say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything!" Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? ...Lay awake nights wondering if there really is a dog.... In Russia, pessimists say that things are so bad, they can't get any worse. Optimists say: "Oh yes they can!" The customer in a Russian restaurant says: "Waiter, this plate is wet." The waiter says: "The plate's not wet. That's the soup." In heaven, the cooks are Italian, the police are English, and the engineers are German. In hell, the cooks are English, the police are German, and the engineers are Italian.
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