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The following story should not be interpreted as endorsing the
usage of controlled substances or ventriloquism. It is clear that
only dummies need either.
 So we were driving along. I thought everything was going pretty
well, but we must have been getting paranoid.
All of a sudden they pulled all the traffic off the freeway and
stopped us all. There was a long line of cars and trucks.
We thought it was cops, so we were hiding beer bottles and eating
everything so they couldn't arrest us for possession.
Like I said, there was sort of a long line. It turned out it
was the border patrol looking for Mexicans. They must have found
some, cuz we were stuck there forever. By the time we got up
to the officers, life was definitely stranger than before.
My head was perfectly clear, so I had no trouble talking to the
officer. But he couldn't hear me because the sound of my voice
was coming out of my navel!
Finally I undid one of the buttons on my shirt and kind of pulled
it apart so the sound could get out.
The officer thought it was strange that my voice was coming out
my navel - I mean, I did, too. My buddy told him I had been in
Desert Storm and hadn't been the same since. I disagreed. I
said I had been exactly the same every day since I got back, and
they had been the happiest three months of my life.
Fortunately the officer accepted that explanation and let us go.
I had disagreed just on principle: I hadn't been in Desert Storm,
of course.
All of a sudden, the mountains got a lot bigger!
That was surprising because we had just been talking about how
these were pretty useless. We all agreed that mountains without
snow on top might as well just go home.
So we were thinking the mountains were pretty useless until the
highway cut through the side of one, and there was a sign saying
"Now entering Mountain Time."
We did agree that it would be silly to enter Mountain Time with
no mountains around, so we had a better attitude toward them after
that.
Then we saw a mountain with Jerry Seinfeld's face on the side
of it.
"Wow" is about the only appropriate response. I mean,
here is a whole new use for mountains.
I said maybe I'd like to have my face carved on a mountain.
But Jerry said "No! Don't do it! This is terrible!"
"Oh. You're right. I wasn't thinking," I said.
"Right. Now I can never change my hair cut!" Jerry
said.
"Rhinoplasty is definitely out," I replied.
"Not that I want to change my nose. But look at you! What
if you wanted to shave your beard? Think how much work that would
be!"
Jerry had a good point. I said, "It would be even worse
if you grew a beard. You'd have to just go get a new mountain!"
"I know! And what would I do with the old one? Just put
a sign there that says 'See next mountain'? I could wind up with
a split personality!"
It's always good to get Jerry's perspective before making major
decisions like putting your face on a mountain.
Pretty soon we were in for a treat, cuz at sunset the mountains
turned purple, just like the song. ('Purple mountain majesty,'
you know.)
It really was spectacular.
But we weren't in no stinkin' 'fruited plain'.
The only explanation we could come up with was that the writer
had meant something like a 'plain dessert' which might have been
a 'fruit compote'.
I said "Give me your Purple Mountain matches, Dee,"
and laughed so hard I nearly drove off the rode. Nobody much
else thought it was funny.
But that was OK because right then a truck passed us. It had
passed us before, but this time there was a big white rabbit driving.
When it passed us before the rabbit was just painted on the door.
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